someone: hey are u alright
me: *laying facedown on the floor* yeah why do you ask
(via confirmance)
i had the best human interaction of all time last night. i was sitting at a bar eating an appetizer and this guy comes up to order a drink and stares at my food and comments how good it looks. when i am drunk i use the word bitch like it is a comma, i plug it into any space in a sentence possible. so naturally the first thing i say to this stranger is, “go ahead and take one, bitch.”
he looks SO shocked and taken aback and goes “what did you just say? how do you know my name?” so i sit there for a moment trying to figure out what the fuck he is talking about, and then go, “…. bitch?” and he looks so relieved and tells me his name is mitch.
i cannot stop thinking about this. oh my god. imagine going into a bar and someone you know for a fact youve never met approaches you and says “go ahead and take one, mitch.” im cracking the fuck up. he looked like he thought this was the fucking truman show
(via heart)
“My darling, you can’t see it, can you? How like the moon you are. Both of you so timid in yourselves; hiding pieces from the world. Then, there are those rare moments when you both are full, and it becomes hard to look away. You are beautiful.”
(via wnq-writers)
I love being in college because there are no actual adults around so everyone is just going around bullshitting their way through basic tasks. Like I can be like “I think I got better from my cold because I ate an orange yesterday” and everyone is like “Yeah makes sense” and somebody could just be like “I’m gonna put my pillow in the washing machine to clean it” and everyone’s like “Sounds like a great idea John”
(via heart)
My parents got their nipples pierced together (like they didn’t attach themselves to each other via nipples they both got their nipples done) as a couple thing idk and dad would attach those phone charms that light up with you get a text to them at parties. Well once he forgot to take them off and went to work and had to arrest someone for drink driving and the charms went off so they both had to act like the big scary police officers nipples weren’t flashing
That was wild from start to finish
(via unescapable)